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Monday, February 22, 2016

Moving Blogs

 
Yes I have come to the realization that I just cannot manage so many different blogs !
So I am moving all my writings over to my business blog for now .
I will still do my writing on abuse , health , magic , culture  homeschooling, gardening , chicken escapades  etc.
I just need to get it all contained & organized .
Eventually I am hoping I can have a shop organized once I open up my practice .
so you can reach me via the
Womb of Willow blog from now on

Friday, November 20, 2015

sourpuss & sunshine

 
Experience , a learning , a growth , an evolution of some kind .
teachings , those eye opening moments .
 of gratitude , the sigh of relief
This one happened 2 months back
my youngest , our son who is 14 yrs old & I doing a city trip in for groceries & visits
I enjoy time with this one , our last at home , easy going , he who gives joy child .
 he is my gentle yoga minded son
he loves bike riding , video gaming & classical music
we love our outings together no matter where . be it a drive  along the prairie hwys or a trip to the corner store we enjoy the company of each other
We have fun goofing & loving the little things  
I'm giving you an image of who this beautiful person is to lead in to showing how sour & resentful another person can be
My boy & I were in our big city grocery store where we go to get bulk or discount items . It is a store I don't particularly like , the lighting gives eye strain & headache
yet we can chose to be miserable or make the best of experience
we all , especially as adults have choice
we also are a huge example to those younger than us
how we respond in experience is a teaching to those younger
we are our legacy , we chose our actions & how we shall be remembered
So here we stroll down aisles . we dance we chose to laugh & be silly .
we always dance to the piped in music & giggle at labels on products
as we are smiling , giggling having fun in our dairy section
there she is coming down the isle
the woman , whom I know I hurt somehow with true words yrs ago
yes you know me speaking truth regarding abuse , pedophiles , spouses who cheat , etc.
 I know I hurt her .our response to truth & loving actions often is hurt feeling
we all experience this
do I have sorrow , a sorry & apology are not the same thing
 sorrow as in did I say the wrong thing . no , not in this situation
 sorrow , yes sorrow she chose to stay with a man who abuses women drives drunk etc.
 apology means to explain , well I gave apology yrs ago & to this day I'd give the same one .
should I have just been quite when this is a man I feel could be connected to MMW ?
 did she hurt me , of course she did . did she say mean hurtful things , of course she did .
yes honestly in time does your spirit not forgive , do you not grow lighter , does pain not diminish ?
 do we not perhaps come to have empathy & understanding for the actions of others ?
I've noticed this in several hurtfelt relationships lately , those who ease up , who come to have understanding & let feelings acknowledge , come up , release & float away .
& there will be bitterness in some , lashing out for a very long time .....
 anyway there she was after all these yrs ago
 8 yrs to be exact
I will say I had the opportunity to test my response earlier this summer . to see the type of person I am . to see how will I respond to someone who hurt my feelings .
 someone who in an act of love hurt me . yes loving actions can produce hurt feelings . love can contain hurt & pain !
I had to stop & ask myself deep in my heart & mind " how are you going to respond Rox ?" " are you going to give this person & her children a mean look " ? " pretend not to see them ?" " or possibly have understanding ?" " perhaps , you yourself produced hurt feelings in them ?"
 so when that time came . I rose up . I chose to smile . I chose to talk . I chose to love . because I do , I love them very very much .
so that is mu choice , my legacy
 so back to grocery isle
 here she comes , I feel a bit apprehensive , a bit afraid . no , let that go , how will you respond , I chose to continue with a smile & a giggle with my son
 I chose to be open & to welcome her with light
 her response , sourpuss face ! yes !
that was her response after 8 yrs !
 & what I have not said yet , because it took awhile to fully sink in . her sourpuss face went to my child as well .
 yes , this child of joy
 this child who in reality was her god child at one time . baptismal child
 he of course did not remember her so he paid not attention to just another grumpy sour person within the store .
 So why Buddha ?
Why Buddha & light ?
 because of course as we finished our journey within this store I had this woman in my head
 I felt badly , sadly .
 we reach the line , the checkout & yes of course I wonder will she be in our line .
 then there it is a tap on my shoulder . oh no ! it isn't !
 I turn , & there she is , beautiful giving sunshine face ! my friend Phoebe !
 different face LOL
 loving face . friend face
 & I also know the legacy of someone like my friend Phoebe .
she is loving , empathetic & forgiving
 I was filled with joy & yes relief to see her
 to have my child see her !
 to be connected with her
 she lifted me up .
 & whenever I go back to this experience Buddha comes in my head , with light & contentment of heart
 This experience leads me on , helps my growth , keeps me from being stuck
 to know forgiveness , to keep learning understanding
 I feel sorry as in sorrow for my child's god parent , yet relief those boundaries were put in place for it opened up our family again to form old connections with friends from far away back
Buddha , leads me to Krishna & now today Kali
 I'm going deeper , working hard
this is my legacy
 





 
 
 
 
 
 

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Not My Spokes person ! ( Ally ) 2010


Yep , this is my ticked off rant lol well not really a rant as I tend to know when I'm going off I need calm down and ask what am I do do in this situation . Last night I became annoyed after seeing & reading yet another story on Mckenzie Phillips . Ok I was down right ticked off. Mckenzie Phillips is not my spokeswoman nor should she be being viewed as one for abused children etc. She is in need of and still has a very long healing journey ahead of her . People should not be encouraging her to go down a puffed up ego boosting head trip . Yes , let her share her healing journey , tell her story etc. but she is not in position to be speaking for nor giving advice to others who are being abused etc. She is is still very twisted & messed up as we all have been there and done that . Her view of sexual relationship is clearly not a healthy one as of yet . Just her statement about that supposed rock star on Oprah made me feel sick . She laughed about it . When really it was clearly a drug induced manipulative act , an act of abuse be she a woman or a child .
So yes #1 I am my own spokesperson as we all should be once healed . #2 I am an advocate for those children who are being & those who have been abused #3 I did the work to get here thank you very much
lol no this is not about credit , it is about truth and frankly I want my own children who need to work on healing to be connected not to some super movie star but someone who is realisticly from thier own community etc. I hope , want & need our children in this community to have responsible elders who can guide them correctly . etc. If and when Ms. Phillips is able to come out of her cycle a well adjusted person and living the healthy life she deserves then why would she not focus on starting at home .
We learn this in our work , we are not called to go out and help others until we ourselves have been helped , our family is healthy and then we will be sent out . Many many people who do not wish to deal with thier stuff go off to save others. I was one of those people . It is big in the social services , justice , health systems . Why would God have me go off to save the world and have my family be falling apart ? I am big on education of local community in regards to prevention & protection as you've read in my other posts . So how about for Ms. Phillips , how many other child actors have been abused ? She as we know is not the only one . So that would be her best community to serve would it not ? I'm also not saying at some point she will not have a role to help educate on a bigger and grander scale . The media is a wonderful to tool to help in education regarding prevention & protection . Imagine the possibilities this woman can achieve and pass on to her community & the world !
So , sorry Mckenzie I will pray for you . I wish you a beautiful healing journey and I in fact am very happy to be Your spokewoman for today to help you in your healing & dealing ;-) ~ amen

Saturday, May 2, 2015

Therapy

 
Hugs ! a great form of therapy if you like them !
some people are uncomfortable with hugs & that is absolutely alright & fine !
 Because that is just it therapy for abuse survivors is a unique experience for each & everyone of us .
 While many may find comfort , help in transition , are able to move on via a form of therapy .It does not mean it will help everyone who tries it ! & that is exactly how it should be .
 Just as the subject of time in healing is unique for each of us this goes for therapy as well.
 Think about finding a dr. , dentist , heck even what type of food you enjoy . Don't we shop around , try new things ?
Why should or would therapy be any different ?
therapy is meant as remedy or cure .
For abuse survivors therapy can be needed for a whole range of areas .
Therapy regarding addiction , behavioural , poor habit , emotional , physical ....
So honestly receiving therapy via many outlets is actually a good idea .
Therapy via change in eating habits & healthy food choice , to learning new forms of physical exercise , meditation , to counsel learning new methods of response in dealing with triggers etc.
 I can speak personally of therapy which has worked & helped me . I can recommend therapy that has helped others & even programs . However what I won't do is endorse one sole method , program or form of therapy .
 There are some negatives within the healing community regarding helping survivors . One which I have witnessed is the telling & claiming survivors a certain program works & heals all victims . & also this same program claiming if a survivor does not receive healing they did the program wrong , actually placing blame back on to a victim . Yes we are ultimately responsible for our own healing but the fact is not everything that worked for one will work for another .
AA may be wonderful for some it helped so many friends & family members but I have seen some come out of AA remaining victims & continuing alcoholic behaviour even without the alcohol .
 I don't say a program has failed either . even if it hasn't fully worked it is always worth trying something new . Workshops & therapy are meant to give us tools & teach us how to use them . Take what you feel will benefit you .
I will also say the healing community is full of enablers & abusers . Enablers who themselves are not healed going out to help others while not dealing with their own issues . Controllers who in fact wish for victims to remain victims so they will continue needing the enabling of others in order to deal with life . I see this happening out in the world as well as many social media groups for survivors . Many of these groups are run by controlling people .
The whole point of therapy is to help empower another & to support them in getting that empowering independence so they may become their own advocate .
 I also tell people honestly I won't even bother with anyone if they themselves are not open enough to acknowledge when they need help/therapy .
So myself personally  when it came to actually healing from my own abuse I found I prefer independent & sole therapy . It does not mean I haven't or don't attend group therapies .I attended  a lot of groups . I always receive something good. However I am in my own counseling work a solitary person .
 I tend to always learn best when receiving teachings from one on one .
My healing was & is for me . I had already partaken in group sessions of counseling .I needed to stop & just focus on self .
 I personally find I prefer psychology compared to psychiatry .
 For myself I found 2 wonderful psychologists . A good counselor always helps you see that you have options & choice  & never tells you what you should do .
I also sought out at the recommendation for a hypnotherapist via a clinic which runs groups for sexual abuse survivors.
I again needed to focus on where I was at rather than where 20 different people are at .
hypnotherapy was it for me . It was amazing , I had many breakthroughs !
My spiritual therapy came the same way independently all through my life . Be it yoga or contemplation , crafting etc. . I tend to always find independent teachings work best for me .
I put word out there to friends to share if they had a particular therapy which helped them & one friend wrote regarding equine therapy ! This is so true ! I mean even animals healing in general isn't it . I've seen horses used for abused children , training guide dogs via inmates within the prison system . this makes me think of gardening therapy for those with dementia . or surfers healing for autistic children . what about aromatherapy ?! I used spruce all this past winter to help get me through the glums .
connecting with my friend who teaches Indigenous gardening was incredible therapy for me ! it restored my confidence in how I have my blood knowledge & use it .
Nature exposure restores health in all sorts of miraculous ways spiritually , mentally & physically .
So while this post is not so much about the how to instruction it is rather offering perhaps ideas which to approach . Thought on perhaps to give something a try . & also the strength & confidence that if something has not worked for us we are not failures we just go on to find & try new things .
place good things in our lives , make choices for self that let us be healthy then we can be there for others to do the same .
smudge thyself & your home like I'm doing in the picture below ;-)
 
 
 


Thursday, April 30, 2015

bad person syndrome


 
All feeling people have been there . That spot , the I'm a bad person syndrome .
I've written before at length regarding victims of abuse getting caught & stuck in this space .This is the short version .
Stuck is right , we all have done it including people who have not been abused .
Every single person on the planet has throughout the length of their lives made poor choice !
 & get this we always will . There is absolutely not one person on this planet that goes through a complete life & not make poor choice , along with making healthy ones .
So what separates victims of abuse usually is the ability to move on . To actually come to terms & believe this is your truth.
well why on earth would you or I be the only person on earth having to remain the one & only forever bad person on earth . yeah , pretty ridiculous ain't it .
So what do healthy people do regarding poor choice . Our not so great things we chose to do ? poor responses ? even horrid things ?
get this we own it . We claim it . Ok there . it happened . exactly that . not happening now ( just like our abuse )
 So then what ? is there maybe a mess to clean up ? perhaps we are the mess ? Is our life in disarray ?
are the feelings of those we love hurt ? did we harm ourselves & others ? probably !
 So we've owned it , decided to clean it up . Clean in a good healthy way not with a bunch of covering up , spending oodles of money or throwing chemicals on it either .
No we acknowledge , we say sorry if possible . We begin to change our behaviours  , habits & lifestyle .
 This can be done in all sorts of ways , the food we eat , the clothes we wear . the time we rise & sleep , who we hang with , the groups we join , what we will & will not do with & for others .
If we begin to slip we catch ourselves . again we will always at some point make a poor choice . We actually have the choice how we deal with it !
so don't run , don't cover it up with layer upon layer . because eventually that becomes really hard life to live .
It is the owning our stupid shit in the first place .  & I'm not talking about owning any other persons shit either , which is something victims do as well which keeps us stuck !
Get this it is absolutely freeing ! ultimate release !
& eventually owning & dealing with our poor choice becomes the easy & replaces that hard covering up crap.
instead of us wallowing in the I'm so bad faze for yrs , events , experience , tends to be dealt with just like that .
Its actually self forgiveness & once you do it it really isn't that hard !
Not much more to say then that ;-)


Thursday, April 23, 2015

The Stalkers , reality

 
I wrote this 5 yrs ago in 2010 but it still applies today .
Some things have changed since I wrote it which are in new posts  like this One  
my view of sharing names of predators who have directly harmed our family has changed , my view of how policing & eltieist pedophile rings has changed . I no longer feel any responsibility to somehow protect a predator from others wishing to harm them .
If someone like Mike Gardner or my Father David Sharpe directly has harmed our family in such threatening ways I will share their name if asked .
I still do not share names of predators who have harmed friends or others I counsel . But yes if anyone has harmed us directly I share publicly who they were .
so here it is
 
The Stalkers 2010
 
 
 
I've had this post in my head for several weeks but with us not being online & library time limited to an hr. each session it is really a bummer for time !
 I do think perhaps it is an appropriate time as I have no photo options using a public computer and is that not just the image of a stalker . Like a shadow !
 the issue of stalking is nothing new in our lives ! I also felt the need to point out what a true & real stalker is capable of doing !
 As I mentioned people such as an ex friend from NM who I wasn't catholic enough for visiting my blog to check on me is not stalking . Jackie wishing to be me and claiming my spiritual experiences as her own , copying my art may be annoying , irritating & down right petty but that is not stalking !
 We all have been in the place where we have wished to be someone else ! In a world that constantly bombards us that we are just not quite good enough it is easy to get caught up into wanting what others have and not seeing our own true & beautiful gifts .
 
No I felt called to right the clarity so people will know the true danger of a stalker . The purpose of a stalker is harm ! To harm another . Filled with resentments , anger & rage usually.
 Child predators are stalkers .
 My father is a a stalker . He will plan which child to assault & harm . These people plan how to connect and rape children be they in their lives here or when taking a vacation abroad !
 The movie the Lovely Bones was a very good image of how my fathers mind works . I just wish they had also chosen to show how these people also work together as well as on their own .
 
I felt prompted to write this as I was remembering back to 7 yrs ago when the stalker who was connected to my father & his pedophile group came into our lives . I will say this was a direct result of my coming out openly about the sexual abuse by these people . When they are threatened they conspire to harm those who speak out . The conspiring threats tend almost always tend to be very secretive & always against the victim & their family members .

This man & his friends stalked us online via my home school message boards , etc. then entered our lives via homeschooling . Then gradually distracted the parents isolating one child . Working very quickly . Telling the child in secret all the time the parents were bad , we were not good parents , how they would set up an apartment for the child . They would take the child on trips etc. This all happened very quickly within a 3 month time period !

If it had not been for the closeness of a sibling relationship & the trust of a Mothers instincts our child was destined to be taken across the border ! We even had to hide our child at a friends home for 3 days as the stalker tried to contact our child over and over again !
 Restraining orders do nothing in terms of this type of person . When we were long finished with this monster who we now know also gave our child the date rap drug was out of our lives returned 8 months later on our street in his car ! My then 18yo dd saw him too ! he had no fear in him at all when we looked him straight in the face and I do believe the only reason he stopped was the other perverts felt they were all at risk and they told him to back off !
 I can also say the only reason these people have let up on us is the only reason We are believed !
 We have legitimate people around us who believe our whole & very truthful story !
 
This person who stalked us moved 4 times within a one yr. period so he is very hard to trace .We believe he and a group of them moved into the BC area again .  Of course I also had to as I wrote before deal with the issue of people like my brother & his biker gang wanting to harm this stalker ! They would have succeeded had the fellow not moved . As I mentioned my father's two  NAMBLA type friends murdered ( one thrown off a balcony in MX the other stabbed by a teen victim ) so they know the risk they take when stalking & raping a child . Really there is no way to track these people they cover for each other , move etc. The only way to prevention is to be aware and protect ourselves.
 As I felt called to write this we have and I am very scared for a close family member who is at risk and has been and is being stalked !
My dh also came home from work on Thursday last week to say his co-workers girlfriend had been murdered by her ex . This happened also to my mothers co-worker at the hospital . These people follow and watch and plan how to & often do succeed at harming others .
 
This is real . I know this may sound like not much to be hopeful about and it is really a post to tell us to be cautious once again & prudent not fearful . We cannot control the actions of others but
 we can take steps to keep safe . If we are aware instead of walking around blindly then some prevention can happen .
 Have locks changed if your ex has moved out . Have good lighting set up outside your home . Get a good dog to help be a companion and also a early warning signal if danger is near . Take a self defence class for personal safety  I did this in high school & still practice some of the methods taught .
 When parked at night try and park in well lit areas . When leaving a building have friends walk you out if possible to the bus or your vehicle . The cell phone is a big bonus in the case of protecting one self ! Have 911 & friends on speed dial.
 Just as we give our children a pass word in regards to safety give yourself one with a trusted friend .


Remembering David

 
This is David with his dulcimer I loved him so much & looking at this photo reminds me how funny & loving he was .
You know how it is with those you love . Those you may not have even seen for yrs , for decades perhaps . Yet You think of them , loving memory returns . I've had David's story in my head for a good 7 yrs wanting to come out . Yet I can see it took time because time was needed to connect the dots . Perhaps more dots need connecting yet it somehow feels enough now . I know enough after speaking with others & piecing information together of his full story to share fully
David was my bestest friend since I was 15yo into young adulthood .
We did almost everything together ! David was a yr or 2 older than I . I looked up to him .
He loved art & culture . We'd go off record hunting . He was the first to introduce me to the Sex Pistols & Lour Reed . He loved Dolly Parton & David is the one who reminded me of how much I loved Buffy Sainte Marie . He gave me her records & it is through David my first born son Dacotah has his name .
David took me to Folk Festival for the very first time when I was just 16yo . He'd borrowed his parents camper van so we got to spend the whole weekend !
We got drunk & stoned of course lol
I saw the amazing Pied Pumpkin on stage but more so I took in the small side shows . You know maybe 15-20 people . Jim Brewer & Elizabeth Cotton
We loved to go for walks in the Assinaboine Forest in summer or go to Osborne village & eat .
Oh how funny I thought it was when he was going through his what shampoo to use & explaining to me what split ends were !
David being older than I & a kid in care he got an apartment before I did . Below You can see another picture of him in his apartment .
 

 
You can see his fat bellied black Buddha , his plants , his love of wine & his folky side .
This is the apartment we spent winters in . We yes smoked some pot , David & I did acid . We always had the safety of his apartment . I should say I was in a group home for girls at the time . A horrid abusive place . David provided me safety . Yes we did drugs but honestly at this point it was experimental , just having fun . Not hiding pain .
I also know David was a good safe person for others .
At this same time I had a relationship with another girl in the group home . Another lost child victim of sexual abuse .
forever giving herself to others for sex . she had become dependent on alcohol maybe around 11yo so by the time she was in the group home she was addicted . one night she did not come home to the home . mid morning I got a call from her . she'd been out got pissed & drunk . picked up , used & dropped off.
she knew she was in trouble so where did she go to ? David's of course .
He gave her his couch , made her tea & then called me . Her first born was named after David .
 
We often went to the gay cafĂ© in Osborne Village at night . It gave us a good place to go & be ourselves . I should also mention David always walked me 1/2 way home every time ! 
 This is the same time my hormones began working ! I was a late one just like my mum . I began hanging with my boyfriend Duane at this point . & while Duane also appeared to enjoy culture & music , he was a musician etc. He was different than David . David did things to learn , to become a better person . He was curious . Duane did things to make himself look better & to be seen .
Ok David did not like Duane he hated when I'd invite Duane to his apartment . I can see why of course because Duane & I did nothing but make out on David's couch ! But he also as a protector saw how Duane manipulated me in an abusive way .
So I tended to see David & Duane at separate times . I honestly if you took away the horny teenager valued & loved David much more than I ever did Duane .
I don't want to take away from David's story though but feel need to mention my ex partner because it was in this period of my life I conceived my first child .
I can say David was so happy ! He'd gotten a new apartment a bigger one . He had some new & interesting friends . Hippies lol
He seriously wanted me to move in with him & raise the baby together .
It was David who suggested homebirth . He reminded me of midwives & what they did .
I now living at home with my mother in a new house she bought after leaving my father .
I went home & talked with her about homebirth & this is when I was told about my great grandmother & her eldest daughters my great aunts being midwives & lay folk people . homebirth was something familiar & very acceptable to our family even though now becoming so medicalized . Homebirth had been enough of a good thing .
Anyway it was David who gave me that !
I however did not move in with him . To this day I've no idea how would our lives been different ?
We can't help but wonder .
I think I in a way offended David , well I know he was because he had an expectation , a plan in his head , right . We all do this & we all know exactly how it feels when what was in our head does not turn out as planned . especially as teens we tend to take it very hard .
So David & I began to drift apart . He was no longer in school . I still was . Oh yes there again ! School . it was via David I was in Argyle Alternative High school ! greatest coolest school . where I could do pottery & English all day !
David & I still saw each other over the yrs but we each had different paths too.
He needed to venture out & connect with the gay community .  I needed to focus on finishing school & having my baby .
 
I needed to write all the beautiful ways & the strong amazing person David was before I could touch on his suicide .
 What it takes to break a strong amazing person like him ?
David like so many was sexually abused .
His first sexual experiences were awful & with adults .
David was sexually abused by his father & also a family dr. he was sent to when he began acting out . David's family I was told a few yrs ago still deny his sexual abuse to this day .
He tried to commit suicide in jr. high . His school called police & that sent him to a psychologist .
This happened to be the very same psychologist I'd seen ! She had learned very quickly how sexual abuse was covered up when she'd tried to report my father !
Being a new young psychologist I think she had no idea what the powerful sexual predator circles are capable of . she soon found out !
So what she did do was send David or any kid away from their family
David like every other kid whom this happens to felt they were bad . There was something wrong with them . They needed to be fixed .
Do you know the worst thing most victims who have been abused don't even talk about it with each other ! yet it is one of the main reasons we were all attracted to each other in the first place ! Almost every childhood/teenhood friend I had was abused sexually .
The last time I had seen David he'd come over just after my 2nd child was born . He wanted to see her but underneath he wanted to discuss my father & David's ex who had just been murdered .
The conversation was extremely strange . It didn't make much sense to me at that time back in 86.
David asked me if I'd read the article about the art gallery director who'd been murdered by his victim ? I had read it . This man had been stabbed by a young teen . apparently during a drug sex party . This murdered man had also been David's lover before . It seemed strange to me I didn't get it . why would David's partner leave him for a boy ?
& I can see now how strange for David too . Because I knew he too had also attended these parties.
 David also asked me another strange question " how do you feel about your father being gay ?" 
we talked some small talk & then he left .
That was the last time I ever saw David . But I can see if I was struggling with understanding that homosexuality & pedophilia are not the same thing then what was going on in his struggle ?
As over the yrs I have since connected pedophile rings & NAMBLA types with my father it all makes sense now . my own brother was taken to these parties by my father .
David  my friend was also sexually abused by my father when he was about 16yo . I learned this yrs later after David's death .
 
The thing is people really do not fully understand or rather chose not to believe how prevalent this is in our society . & the way these people use their own children traffic them , use children in care , take them off the street .
It is a huge population that does this . It is powerful
Police , Lawyers . any & every profession under the sun .
They cover for each other & threaten their victims as well as their families .
So David in adulthood I can imagine had worked through what had happened in his life . Adults having sex with children is abuse !  He decided at this point he was strong enough to press charges .
This was a big thing & just at the beginning of the media " talk about it " leading people to believe their abusers will be dealt with .
David soon learned he would be bullied by others . Other pedophiles etc. including my father
 My father has threatened people before . That psychologist I mentioned before . She had to lock herself in her office & call police to come remove my father as he was yelling threats banging on her door .
A teacher at my school had him threatened to come & shoot people at the school because I was pregnant .
This is the man I grew up with & this is what we saw everyday .
Well it makes sense now . My father back in the 90's told me he'd seen my old friend David at the Y  how he was a druggie & all covered in tattoos & piercings .
I remember me saying how well David did that when he was in pain .
I actually talked to my father . his sick manipulation took yrs of therapy for me to understand the workings of a sociopath . So David had no idea .
Yes my father saw David at the Y ! but what I did not know until after David's death . my father cornered him in the locker room . Threatened him with who knows what .
My father had already paid off 3 other victims with the help of the College of Physicians .
I imagine the same thing was tried with David but he did not take it .
My father & countless others avoid prosecution via cover up all the time . This is how it goes .
So David , I got a ph call he'd taken his life . Honestly to this day I can't help but wonder because of the people he could've led to being uncovered was he forced to take his life or did he truly feel he was horrid & couldn't take it any more ? was he killed by others ?
The point is he was an incredibly strong person .
I know it'd be a miracle if he didn't have PTSD .
 could I have done more ? isn't that always our question . Yet I was thinking who knows maybe what we shared with those people who chose suicide actually prolonged the outcome at some point . if David touched me & was my best friend & I loved him so very much . Well did I not give that to him as well ?
 I know David loved me . His suicide/death was just an event . He is gone but he is so much more than a suicide .
David gay man , protector ,friend , brother ,  lover of the dulcimer , folk music & really neat stuff .
Perhaps it is he , his touch that helped me not take my own life .
Honestly I've lost 3 really close friends to suicide . The youngest was 12yo. I know how that is a norm with those who were sexually abused .
I'm a minority . Maybe David helped me get there ?
I know this is long . This is just a small part of David's life that is  apart of mine .
His story should be much longer via the countless others he was friend to .
I feel those who have been taken , especially those who were abused , we do need share their voice .
So I remember & honour my friend David by sharing him with others
~Amen~